Monday, April 1, 2013

BREAKING: Yellowstone Moved to Highest Alert (Red) After Tremor, Wildlife Fleeing

Just in:

Yellowstone National Park and USGS are sounding the alarm bells, as near constant harmonic tremor has been detected at very shallow depths of less than 1km. Birds, elk, bears, and other wildlife are fleeing into surrounding areas, resulting in scientists at the USGS raising the alert level to RED. "What we are witnessing is unprecedented in recent history in the park" said USGS volcanologist Peter Fitzgerald. "It is really something, really scary. We haven't seen this level of seismic activity in the park since the late 70's, but this is way stronger". Asked if this meant an eruption could be imminent, he stated "At this time, I think it would be a great idea to prepare for the worst.".

Other indicators that an eruption could be underway can be seen on the surface, as near constant emission from Yellowstone's iconic "Old Faithful" geyser stopped the clockwork schedule that has existed for centuries, turning it into more of a 'fountain' than a geyser. Local rangers were baffled as well, when the famed "Prismatic Pools" were devoid of any liquid. "Something big is definitely happening", Sgt. Darryl Langford stated "I am heading home to my wife and kids, they don't pay me enough to be blown up!".

GPS instrumentation detected strong uplift from the West side of the caldera, and water levels have shifted to the East of Yellowstone Lake. Indications are that any explosive/effusive activity will most likely occur at the East rim of the Island Park caldera.

In a brief press statement before rushing off in a hurry, USGS volcanologist Peter Fitzgerald stated "The only safe place in the US right now would be San Diego, CA... as if their perfect weather wasn't enough, it seems by our predictions this will be the only safe city in the US post-eruption. We are estimating over 1.5 million cu km of ashfall debris to be ejected if our models are correct. It was nice knowing all of you".

The last eruption from Yellowstone was thousands of years ago, but scientists have long known this day would happen eventually. Thankfully, I already live in San Diego... but sadly, this means most of my readers are about to be forcefully unsubscribed...

Oh, who am I kidding? Happy April Fools Day!!

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